French Table Manners, From Cutlery to Cheese

French dining runs on a set of quiet codes: cutlery set face-down and worked outside in, glasses ordered by size from water to sweet wine, the napkin on your lap throughout, small bites with quiet cutlery, cheese at room temperature cut by its shape, the right pastry at the right time, and coffee taken with care. Underneath all of it is respect for the host and the food.

As a child, I spent every summer at my grandparents' château in the south of France, where my grandmother, who came from the haute bourgeoisie, taught me everything about French table manners, knowledge that proved useful later when I joined influential French circles and worked as a lawyer in Paris.

Here is what she taught me, so you can dine elegantly, from the way the table is laid to the wine, the cheese, and the coffee at the end.

How is a French table laid?

With the cutlery, plates, and bread arranged by tradition. The forks and spoons are placed facing downwards, because the family crest was traditionally engraved on the back, and they are set out by course so you work from the outside in toward the plate. In a formal setting you may find a small stack of plates in front of you: use the top one first, and your host will clear it before you help yourself to the next dish. Bread rarely comes with its own plate in France unless you are at a wedding or a very formal event; instead there is a basket in the middle of the table.

Take whichever piece of bread is on top, and if someone asks you to pass it, never hand them a piece with your fingers. Pass the whole basket, wait while they help themselves, and return it to its place.

Good table manners are really about respect, for the host and the food.

How do the French serve and drink wine?

By glass size and with restraint. The largest glass is always for water, the thing you should drink most of, then the next largest for red wine, which needs room to take in oxygen and develop its aroma, then a smaller glass for dry white, served cold and needing less air, and the smallest for sweet dessert wine. Pour no more than about two-thirds of the glass, since overfilling looks greedy, and remember that wine at the table is there to enhance the food, not to get drunk; looking as though you want a lot of it is considered distasteful.

Hold the glass by the bowl rather than the stem, which in France is reserved for wine tasting, and let the host do the pouring. For champagne, a coupe or a flute both work; to avoid a glass of foam, tilt both bottle and glass so it slides gently down the side.

What about posture and the napkin?

Sit naturally straight, with your back as upright as is comfortable rather than rigid, and your feet either flat on the floor or crossed at the ankle. Unfold your cotton napkin onto your lap, where it stays for the whole meal unless you leave for the restroom, and use it to clean your fingers discreetly. To dab the corner of your mouth, lift the napkin slightly, slip a finger underneath, and touch the corners; historically this was the job of the tablecloth, which then went to the wash.

Keep your elbows off the table. You can rest your forearms or wrists on the edge, and if you are unsure what to do with your hands, simply rest them on your lap.

How do you eat elegantly through the meal?

In small, unhurried bites, with quiet cutlery. With soup, do not scoop or slurp; submerge the spoon, tilt it gently to drink, use the side of the plate if it is too full, and tilt the plate toward you to finish rather than scraping it. From a shared dish, take a modest share knowing others need some, then pass it on. Compose small bites, do not talk with your mouth full, and rest your cutlery on the side of your plate while you chew, alternating a bite with a sip of wine.

A few small don'ts complete the picture: do not twirl your wine, which is for tasting, do not lick your knife, and do not clink glasses when toasting, a habit that once existed to mix drinks against poisoning; today you simply raise your glass and meet the other person's eyes. When you finish a course, rest your cutlery parallel, from the centre toward the edge of the plate.

How do you handle the cheese course?

With its own small set of codes. As host, never serve cheese cold; take it out thirty to forty-five minutes ahead so it reaches room temperature and the aroma develops. The cheese knife often has a hollow blade so the cheese does not stick and two small prongs at the tip to lift your slice. How you cut depends on the shape: a rectangular cheese in slices, a round one like a cake started from the centre, and an irregular one judged as whichever it most resembles, so you never leave ugly scraps for the next person.

Eat cheese with bread, breaking the bread into pieces and pressing a little cheese onto it like a canapé rather than spreading it thickly. As a rule of thumb, keep the crust on a soft cheese and remove it on a hard one.

What about dessert and the end of the meal?

The French are particular about which pastry belongs to which moment, and serving the wrong one at the wrong time is a quiet sign you are not French: viennoiserie is for breakfast, doughy and elaborate pastries for the afternoon, and for dessert a light, mousse-like entremets, often with fruit or chocolate mousse and a crisp layer. Eat it with the dessert fork, cutting from the point rather than starting in the middle.

When the meal ends, fold your napkin so the used side is hidden and set it on the table, and rather than pushing your chair back, simply slide it and rise.

How do you take coffee and tea afterwards?

In the living room, usually, where the host moves everyone for coffee or tea and a few chocolates. Always lift the saucer with the cup. With a small cup, pinch the handle rather than putting your fingers through it; with a larger English teacup you can put a finger through, supported by the middle finger. It reads as more graceful to look down into the cup as you sip rather than up.

A little milk jug lets you add as much as you like, and if you are given a tea bag to steep, drain it neatly, with a spoon and its string, before resting it on the saucer. With the chocolates, which often come with a little guide worth reading aloud as a conversation starter, take no more than two, eat them in small bites with your fingers, and rest each one on the saucer between bites.