How People Decide What You're Worth

People decide what you are worth in seconds, from signals you may not realise you are sending: your makeup, your posture, how you stand and sit, your handshake, how you listen, and how you treat your phone. Worth reads as confidence and taste expressed quietly, not as effort or display.

High-paying jobs, opportunities, invitations, trust, and respect do not go to the women who work the hardest. They go to the women who appear to be worth the most. I was an international business lawyer on the Champs-Élysées in Paris, and I have spent time in some very prestigious environments.

The brain decides in split seconds, an old survival mechanism for reading whether someone is a threat, and appearance is the first thing it uses. Here is exactly what makes people trust, admire, and value you, and how to send those signals on purpose.

Why does your makeup affect how worthy you look?

Because the wrong makeup quietly sets you apart from high-society circles. Foundation that does not match your natural colour suggests you cannot see something basic, which reads as lower emotional intelligence. Heavy work, contouring that reshapes your face, redrawn brows, enlarged lashes, signals that you are not happy with your natural features, and so that you lack confidence, because a confident woman would not need to change them. Very sexy makeup, lip gloss and lash extensions, conveys an overwhelming femininity that works against worth, and being pretty is something many women can achieve, so it does not signal much on its own. Worth comes from confidence and from taste, and taste is a strong class indicator you cannot fake with a designer bag.

A good makeup is one you can barely see: the person looks beautiful, but you could not say exactly what they did. As a rule, the less makeup you wear, the more worthy you look.

The more worthy you are, the more discreet you're going to be about it.

A five-minute French no-makeup look

What's the difference between American and European worth signalling?

They display worth in opposite ways. American-centred culture signals worth and power through very tailored suits, sharp edges, pointed and very high heels, and a "you can't touch me" attitude. European-centred culture rests on the opposite idea: if you are worthy, you do not need to show it, so the more worthy you are, the more discreet you become. The European approach tends to serve you better, because it assumes you are intrinsically enough. Putting on a big show implies, at a subconscious level, that what is naturally there is not good enough.

The outfit is something you put on top of an already-existing confidence, not a substitute for it.

How should you hold your posture to convey worth?

Aim for a posture that is dignified and relaxed at once. The simplest cue is to imagine a string pulling the top of your head upward, away from your shoulders. Hold that, and you can move naturally through a room and talk to people without ever losing a composed, important posture.

This single image does most of the work, because it lifts you without making you stiff.

How do you carry yourself at a formal event?

Be welcoming and structured at the same time: keep the good posture, but keep your body open. Avoid crossing your legs or arms, which signals that you are closed to meeting anyone. With nothing in your hands, gather them lightly at the centre of your body where they naturally fall; this keeps you open and gives your hands something to do, and it reads as less stiff than arms held straight down. Low heels make everything easier, and a maximum of about 7cm reads as elegant. To walk well, keep your shoulders pushed down and that string lifting your head, and land heel first.

One more European cue: hold a champagne flute at the base of the bowl, not by the stem, because it looks effortless, and effortlessness is the point.

How should you sit to signal worth?

You have a few options, each saying something different. Legs parallel is the neutral default. Crossing your legs is a slightly more powerful position, well suited to a business meeting. Crossing your ankles reads as a touch more reserved, which is ideal with elders or people of higher status, but less so in a negotiation, where the reserve can work against you. The one to avoid where you want to signal worth is the Duchess slant, the pose all over etiquette Instagram, which conveys traditional heritage and a slightly submissive posture.

Because that slant is also the staple of celebrity magazines, it carries a faintly tacky note, and among people who are the real deal it reads as something you learned online rather than grew up with.

What does your handshake say about you?

A great deal, because it reveals how someone feels and how much body awareness they have, and more body awareness reads as gracefulness, which we associate with intelligence and worth. Two handshakes to avoid: the weak one, holding by the fingertips, which suggests a lack of leadership, an inability to take people with you; and the crushing one, which suggests someone who cannot sense what others need. Yours should convey calm and structure together.

Rather than deciding in advance to demonstrate how structured you are, initiate the handshake curious about the other person, and adapt in a split second to match their strength. If they are aware, they register that adjustment and read it as the ability to adapt to people and circumstances, which is a valuable quality.

Who do you introduce to whom?

Every social group has small codes that ease your belonging, and high-society circles certainly do. One that lands well is knowing the order of introductions: always introduce the less senior person to the more senior one. You would not turn to the younger person and say "this is my grandmother"; you turn to your grandmother and present the younger person. It also helps to mention something the two have in common, which gives them a thread to start their own conversation.

When a handshake follows, the higher-ranking person initiates it, so if that is not you, wait rather than reaching first, which would read as presumptuous. Outside professional settings, as a woman you can be the one to initiate the greeting, and so to set how you are greeted.

Why does listening show your worth more than talking?

At fancy parties, the most important people often have a swarm around them, each eager to recount their achievements, and you can see those people quietly enduring it. The mistake is thinking you prove your worth with complicated words, politics, and a list of accomplishments. What actually defines your worth is your ability to listen and ask good questions. People who do this are consistently seen as more charismatic, more intelligent, and more memorable, because talking about ourselves triggers the brain's reward system as much as money or food, and in one study people gave up money to keep doing it. When you are the one who lets someone talk, they associate that reward with you, which is the strongest relationship glue there is.

Two techniques from the former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss carry a conversation far. Mirroring is repeating someone's last few words ("you were on holiday in the Bahamas"), which invites them to continue. Labelling names what they have described ("it sounds like you care about personal development"), which both reinforces their sense of identity and draws out more. Used genuinely, neither sounds artificial.

What does your phone say about you?

How you use your phone is a real reason people decide whether to trust you or hand you an opportunity, because it shows how you will be to work with. The rule is simple: your phone should not be seen. Whether at a private gathering, a cocktail, a dinner, a coffee, or a meeting, it stays in your pocket or bag, on silent, forgotten. If your phone matters more than the person in front of you, why are they giving you their time? You are expected to have carved out that time to be fully present.

If you genuinely cannot avoid a call during your time together, say so on arrival: "I'm expecting an important call, please excuse me in advance if I need to step out briefly."